Subterfuge

I can’t even write.

I am engulfed by guilt,

I am surrounded by lies.

I am drowning in sorrow,

I am swimming to survive.

I don’t know if I’ll ever run again,

I don’t know if i’ll ever try.

I had to do what I had to do.

I had to choose between life and you.

I saw a side of you and I was no longer amused,

I saw a side of you and I couldn’t believe it was you.

Justifications spring eternal,

Hope takes strength to brew.
I have that strength,

I don’t know how and I don’t like it.

But I have that strength

To pull together these strands of burnt rope,

To stitch together viability and scope,

To render antipathy into unconditional love.

I have the strength to swallow my pride.

And one day it will ignite the same in you.

Till that day, I wish you farewell,
But “I love you” is all I’ll say.

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