This Is Not For Me

You need to be decisive now. I know it is tough and it is such a ridiculous element of existence but it is all you have and you must learn to utilize and appreciate it. If you step back, you will face regret and it is a powerful substance but you already know that. You must step forward because at least you will come to a conclusion, a definitive understanding of all the possibilities, and that will monumentally shorten your moments of loss if it doesn’t work out the way you want it to. But you MUST HOPE and act upon it. Ask yourself this question repeatedly and let the debate build, do not cut it off, cry if you have to but think through it until you are completely overwhelmed by the influence of the most resonating answer:
Isn’t it worth a try?
Think through the whole scenario, think through every fragment of intimacy, feel the surge of every emotion evoked during your moments together. If your stomach sinks, if your eyes tear up, if you become nauseous, grab the thought you are holding in that moment and act on it. DO NOT THINK OF ESCAPE! It is futile in every mode of life, it makes us only aware of our inevitable decay. Focus on the beauty of the slow decay, focus on the fact that you feel like you have traveled thousands of years even though you have only crossed a fraction of the billions before and the billions yet to come, focus on the fact that you will still live through another century on a planet large enough to hold itself majestically in the dark expanse of our minds. Focus on the fact that you are beautiful and there isn’t a being out there that wouldn’t take you in a heartbeat. Harness your confidence, call it into form from every cell and pore, feel the surge move through your body and let it command you.  Feel the force of the answer because it is always there and you always know it but you have thrown adopted ideologies on it and it is hard to wade through all that nonsense without hearing it play itself back to you. Listen to it though, listen to the parts that are loud and clear, and meditate on the deleted contexts of the clip and why only that part was audible to you. MOVE FORWARD, either through this or dive into it and let the flow of emotion direct you back to the surface, with or without company. You will always end up alright.
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